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You know that Samuel L Jackson movie Snakes on a Plane, the one where lots of snakes attack people... on a plane? Well, when I watched that, I thought: “That’s nothing.They should have made Babies on a Plane.” Because babies at high altitude are much more frightening than snakes.

They’re noisier, their nappies are far more venomous and you’re not allowed to chop off their heads. I will take many years to recover from our first flight with a baby.

I was already nervous long before we arrived at the airport, because I’ve seen how aeroplanes can turn into a sort of us v them Lord of the Flies nightmare, the young family battling a hail of tuts, mutterings and “Oh for goodness’ sake”s.

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And now it was our turn. Sensing my mood, our six-month-old chose to fill his nappy at takeoff, then started screaming. He refused to accept that we couldn’t change him until the seat-belt sign was off.

The second it was, I raced to the loo, elbowed my way in, battled the Mensa puzzle that is the in-flight changing table, and then, only then, remembered that I’d left the changing bag on the seat. Fighting my way out, back down the plane, back up the plane, all with a screaming, smelly baby, I was met with a (tutting) queue for the lavatory.

“It’s okay, you can change him here,” said the British Airways hostess, pointing to the floor of the galley.

“Are you sure?”

She smiled her best BA smile and said: “Of course.” And the baby stopped crying. And I was glad I’d spent the extra £200 for us not to fly Ryanair.

The passengers queuing for the loo looked worried when I started the change, almost as worried as they might have looked had there been snakes on the plane. I gave them a reassuring smile, as if to say: “It’s okay. This one’s too young to have bad nappies.”

I was wrong. This was his first proper nappy, because the night before had been his first proper Stage 2 Hipp Organics Pasta Bake. As the smell spread down the plane, people swooned. It would be only a matter of time before the oxygen masks dropped down.

And then, I can only assume because of the high altitude, he started doing another one. Sans nappy. I can’t remember anything after that.

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