Jeremy Clarkson
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I should have written about Max Mosley last week. But I couldn’t. I walked round the garden until my shoes were worn out, I looked at the view, I sucked half a dozen Biros dry and I was still sitting here, as the paper’s deadline passed, unable to form a cohesive opinion.
Here’s the problem. I like to think I am a journalist. I know the nation’s proper journalists will harrumph at that and explain that three years on the Rotherham Advertiser and a certificate of competency in shorthand don’t make me a proper hack, any more than a stint as a Saturday shop girl qualifies someone to run Wal-Mart.
But be that as it may, I trained to be a journalist, I love journalism. And I crave the company of journalists. So, wearing this hat, I am absolutely appalled by the implications of the Max Mosley outcome. I mean, here is a man whose strength of character is such that he thinks: “No. I won’t do any work this afternoon. I’ll go to a flat in Chelsea where five prostitutes will check my hair for lice.”
Is it important that we know this? You’re damn right it’s important. This guy was effectively elected to his position at the FIA, the governing body of Formula One, by 125m people. He is therefore a public figure, and we can’t have public figures bunking off for a bit of sex in German.
It is also important we know that David Mellor was dressing up in a Chelsea kit while shagging some floozy and that John Major was bathing with Edwina Currie. Because if a prime minister can’t keep his pecker in his trousers, then how do we know he can’t keep his fingers off the button that fires the Tridents?
If we have a law that prevents the press from investigating wrongdoing among public figures then it is carte blanche for the entire House of Lords to spend the rest of the year gorging on swan while taking it in turns to do man love on the woolsack.
But here’s the problem. It is extremely rare that the newspapers these days go after genuine charlatans. Every day, I hear rumours of malpractice in charities, or fraud in business, but with dwindling circulations and advertising revenue in freefall, the press simply doesn’t have the funds any more to chase leads.
Woodward and Bernstein seem to have been replaced by a bunch of desk-bound journos who rewrite press releases from global warming lunatics and run a couple of pap pictures of Madonna buying an ice cream.
Which brings me on to the dilemma. Because while I trained as a journalist, I wound up on television, which makes me a celebrity. Which means that despite my best efforts to lead a quiet life, I am constantly photographed by a stream of two-bit losers who think my new shoes are in some way of importance to the nation.
On this basis, I found myself cheering wildly when the Mosley verdict came through. Because at last I knew the press could no longer come up my drive and take pictures of what’s in my garage. The Mirror actually did that the other day. It opened my garage doors and took photographs. Which is exactly the same as opening my wife’s knicker drawer and photographing what’s in there. That’s just out of order.
Then you’ve got Jonathan Ross. You can take it from me that he does not earn £6m a year. Nothing like. But the press can print that, amid stories that Madonna’s had an affair, that Alan Davies has eaten a tramp and that Lily Allen has been swimming.
I do not know many people from the world of television. I have not been to Jonathan Ross’s house. He’s never been to mine. But those that I do meet, with the exception of Piers Morgan, are mostly very ordinary people with very ordinary lives. They do not shout: “Do you know who I am?” at every train guard and maître d’. They do not quaff champagne or gorge on peach and peacock. And mostly they earn much less than you think.
And yet every single one of them is fair game for those members of the press that, deprived of funds to chase down proper stories, see them as the cheap option. I urge you all to think about that next time you’re thumbing through Heat magazine and you come across a picture of some actress with stretch marks. Just imagine how that picture makes her feel. And how it makes her children feel.
Happily however, Max Mosley, and Princess Caroline of Monaco, who won a similar case recently – although not involving any headlice – has finally put a stop to it. And if that means I can buy a cup of coffee without having my effing photograph taken every five seconds, I say hallelujah to that.
See the problem. As a journalist, I would say it is interesting for the public to know whether Madonna has had an affair but as a celebrity on her side of the fence, I would argue vehemently that it is not in the public interest.
We have reached a point where newspapers will be disinclined to run any story on extramarital rumpy pumpy even though there is no actual British law preventing them from doing so. Just the interpretation of a tangential European law by one judge. What’s more, there never will be a British law because if any politician stood up and proposed such a thing, everyone would jump to the conclusion that he’s got a free private jet from the Syrians and a dungeon at home full of Thai lady-boys.
The only solution I can come up with is this: I am allowed to write what I want about whoever I want. But if anyone writes about me, I’ll stick so many lawyers up their arses, they’ll be able to turn a Vespa round in there.
Jeremy Clarkson's career as car reviewer and BBC Top Gear presenter has made motoring into show business, but he has earned himself the description of an "equal opportunities loudmouth" for his opinionated commentary on all aspects of life, appearing weekly in The Sunday Times.
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As a working guy in Burbank-Los Angeles I cross paths with celebrity but a few weeks ago was my first exposure to photogs. I walked "alone" on a street when a lone woman exited a private gym behind me. 4 photogs aggressively jumped out of cars/alleys/bushes & chased her. Scared me, felt bad for her
Brian W., Los Angeles, USA
The seemingly easy answer is, STOP BUYING HEAT MAGAZINE and the like. If we don't fund this, won't they stop? And report real, relevant, and interesting news?
I don't know anyone who reads stuff like that... who's paying money to buy Heat, and American equivalents like National Enquirer and Star?
Beth, Baltimore, USA
what you expect we think if you did something like that?
edoardo chioni, Rome , ITALY
I feel we should just be grateful the Mirror did not decide to photograph Mr Clarkson's underwear drawer and Mrs Clarkson's cars.
Phil Medway, Singapore, Singapore
I am always amazed when column responders use an intimate and dare i say it ridiculous and derivative naming conventions to address Clarkson. ( Jezza or is it Jeza Jezu Jazza).. Clearly they have Photographic access to his shared underwear drawer...
We prefer to address "aa gill" as AA and Jeremy Clarkson as JC or is it jc. or just plain Clarkson..I thought the 24 hour race was a fantastic and courageous personal best for Clarkson and the team.
rwn, muston,
I don't get why people think that they have the right to know what celebrities get up to in their spare time. As long as it's legal and consensual then what is the news?
Janette, Scotland,
lets all turn up at Clarksons house and give his garage a damn good photographing....
who are these people????
Mike, salford,
Do I detect that Clarkson may be sitting on the fence for this one? That would be a first!
Matt Copp, London,
The only reason that 'celebrities' get chased is because people want to read about them. If we did not buy Heat then there would be no money in it - so it wouldn't happen. But if we buy a magazine to get the latest on JC's shoes then magazines will make sure we get the info because it sells
Tony, Cardiff ,
haha he's hiding out on australian breakfast television as we speak
riley, brisbane, australia
Katie,
I agree with you.
Politicians are elected by us, so we should know what their doing.
Celebrities, though? who cares.
Ben, Dundee,
There must be something wrong with me, I dont care what
Max Mosley does as long as he dont touch my stuff.
Who really cares what Celebrities get up too? The drugs taking or sleeping habits
are no concern of mine ,also not really bothered how good or bad they look while on holiday.
Not related but loved the last Top Gear, The Spitfire flyover was great. Thank you
dave , peterborugh , UK
It is entertainment as you say Katie, but it is also a business. A multi-billion dollar one at that. If potential customers are put off because of the public face of the business it is time for that person to go. Obviously the voting members decided it was not worth getting rid of him over.
Andrew Wheat, Ramstein, Germany
Formula One is entertainment. That's all, entertainment. Therefore Mosley is in showbusiness. What showbusiness people get up to might be interesting but it's really none of our business.
What politicians do, on and off the job, is very much our business.
Katie, Leatherhead, UK
Why doesnt Clarkson hire a team of Polish paparazzi to follow British paparazzi around all day taking their picture, going through their rubbish and hanging around outside their home. It could be a weekly magazine.
James , Leeds, UK
I don't want tp look in Jeremy's knicker draw or Max Mosely's. David and Samantha's would be a laugh but none of my businness. Difficult? No, easy - Jeremy for Prime Minister.
Philip Pank, London, UK
Well, Jeremy, when you play with fire the chances are you will get burnt. The press has brought this on themselves and the great British public has encouraged them by buying the rubbish. Like so many other professions, the true characters have been replaced by bland deskbound morons with MBAs.
Graham Burchell, PEGIA, CYPRUS
So Jezza fancies Carla eh? Oooo, I'll bet the besotted, lisping Adrian is jealous about that.
eric campbell, harrogate, uk
I'm not famous but I absolutely agree, why the hell should you have your life invaded by busy bodies just because you work on the tv. People might think heat magazine (et al) is harmless fun but it isn't. Put yourself in their shoes and think of that. Entertainment? No.
Andrew, Wirral, UK
I don't understand why Jeremy takes this view on privacy? Surely a happily married family man has got nothing to fear from a kiss and tell.
Bill, Sutton Coldfield,
What matters is whether public figures do their job and obey the law. To make money out of public prurience about their sex life, wealth, looks, etc.without their permission is effectively theft so should be unlawful.
R Mason, London, UK
I agree with it all apart from the shoes. Those green Robin Hood green slip-on types you've been wearing are just wrong and a proper scandal.
JezzaBelle, Somerset, ENGLAND
It is a bit scary that whatever you find in your garage is also in your wife's underwear drawer. Either you're driving big pants, or she's got metal knickers...
xx
Vicki, Somerset, ENGLAND
I do agree with your thinking on this and hope the newspapers 'in general' start reporting on 'important issues' instead of this seemingly never ending list of stories that are of no interest to the population of the world > but as a F1 racing fan, sack Max Mosley today as he is of no use to anyone.
Ray, Mijas, Spain
V funny Jeremy. All this celebrity stuff completely passes me by. Apparently I have often been in the same room as a 'celebrity' and never realised it. Would I make a good journo?
Di , Salcombe,
I think the answer is to become a lawyer....
Paul, Milton Keynes,
Fantastic....absolutely fantastic, you are the only person I can think of that isn't afraid to say what basically everyone else is thinking but too afraid to say.
I may not agree with all you say most times but I never fail to be entertained and amazed by the phenomenal writing, thank you.
T, UK,
Just imagine how those car designers feel and how their children feel ,when Jeremy publicly ridicules their lifes' work. Pointing to defects and mercillessly ridiculing them, it's the psychological equivalent of stretch mark to these poor people -hypocracy Mr Clark. I Like it though!
Cliff, Melbourne, Australia
Jeza, You've highlighted the situation very well. You see it from both sides and have actually experienced it yourself, not very nice eh? I for one am very pleased with Mr Justice Eadys ruling, this will restrict gutter press mentality.
National Security etc, fair do's, but getting spanked? Please!
peter, Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK
Just love the thought of you having to spend all your hard earned on lawyers. Dog eats dog, poetic.
Paul , Chipping Sodbury,