Ben Macintyre
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Derek Conway's behaviour was bad enough, but the Tory MP's excuse for spending nearly £400,000 of taxpayers' money on his wife and two sons was simply inexcusable. He blamed the scandal on “administrative shortcomings”.
What a very British excuse. By citing an unspecified organisational failure it manages to imply that someone else, deep in the machinery of Mr Conway's parliamentary office, is really the guilty party. By hinting at a paperwork snafu, it subtly recruits our sympathy, for we all hate bureaucracy. As an excuse, it manages to be simultaneously vague, slightly pompous and entirely meaningless.
So far from excusing Mr Conway, the very slipperiness of his excuse makes him seem that much more guilty, for as Shakespeare wrote: “Oftentimes excusing of a fault/ Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse.”
This week a small army of lame excuses have limped into the news, one after the other. Woolworths said it had named a girl's bed the “Lolita” without knowing what that implied. David Beckham's agent said he had failed to turn up at a charity event on Thursday because he needed to be in LA for fitness tests, and not just because he was in a tremendous snit after being dropped from the England team.
Increasingly, we have come to expect, and accept, excuses as part of the culture, not just in politics, but in business, sport, education and justice. The British not only produce the most inventive excuses in the world, we also have a bizarre tendency to accept them, whether or not we believe them.
As The Times reported this week, thousands of offenders who fail to turn up for community punishments have been getting away with providing their own sick note, or the excuse that they overslept. There is little suggestion that the probation officers in question really believed these people were ill or sleepy: they just needed to hear an excuse, any excuse.
The culture of self-exculpation is endemic, as if merely the act of offering an explanation, whether or not it is credible, removes any need to apportion blame. Train drivers are obliged to offer excuses, however hollow, for every delay. Excuses for railway failures have attained the status of myth: the familiar “leaves on the line” and “the wrong sort of snow” have been supplemented, over the years, by the wrong sort of pollen, pigeon droppings in the signal box, too much sun, and the delightfully seasonal “an outbreak of buddleia”.
One rail manager demonstrated an impressive ability to elaborate on an old theme last year by insisting that the leaves on the line “are bigger and juicier than we have seen before”.
When businesses issue profit warnings, these tend to come hedged around with thickets of excuses: the war, the lottery, El Niño, the World Cup, the weather. Several excuses are always less convincing than one, but companies are happy to cite any number of extraneous factors so long as this diverts attention from their own failings. Lord Kirkham, founder of the dfs furniture group, still holds the record for most excuses packed into a single explanation, when he had to reveal the company's first profit fall in 28 years in 1998: these included the “Diana effect” (everyone was too upset to think about buying a sofa), the summer heat, Easter flooding, high interest rates and an early tax deadline.
The British instinct to reach for an excuse, no matter how flimsy, is partly politeness. A Frenchman feels no qualms in turning down an invitation without explanation, but an Englishman feels obliged to offer a reason. Only occasionally does the truth show through. Lord Charles Beresford was once summoned to a dinner by the Prince of Wales, later Edward VII, and replied by telegram: “Very sorry can't come. Lie follows by post.”
A survey by Andrews Salts, the morning-after remedy, recently found that people seldom cite a real reason, such as a hangover, for absenteeism, but prefer an elaborate excuse, or several. The survey included my all-time favourite plea for not turning up to work, so strange it can only be true: “I mistook a tulip bulb for an onion.”
British schoolchildren apparently offer more extravagant excuses for failing to do their homework than any other country in Europe. “The dog ate my homework” does not exist as a phrase, let alone a cliché, in any other language. We treasure the more impossible excuses, delighting in their inappropriateness (“Sorry,” said Alan Clark, once the police had finally caught up with his speeding car. “I thought you were giving me a police escort.”)
It is one thing to deny the truth, but a peculiarly British affliction to feel the need to offer an alternative version of reality that is not quite a lie, but is rather less than the whole truth. The British reaction, when caught in the act or when something goes wrong, is to wriggle and justify: We wuz robbed, I was badger-spotting, my wardrobe malfunctioned, it was market forces, the ref is blind, I was merely comforting her.
Rudyard Kipling once wrote: “We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse.” Today, that equation might be reversed: the real reason for any kind of failure is buried under millions of excuses.
It may be human nature - it is certainly British nature - to hide responsibility behind vague pretexts, unforeseen circumstances and administrative errors. But once in a while, how refreshing it would be to hear a different approach from the politician, the football manager and the train announcer: It's a fair cop, the pitch was fine, the rail system is rubbish, the cheque is not in the post, business is terrible, it's all my fault, and there is no excuse.

Ben Macintyre is Writer at Large for The Times and contributes a regular Friday column. His earlier roles at The Times include being editor of the Weekend Review, parliamentary sketchwriter and bureau chief in Washington and Paris. He has also published a number of historical non-fiction books
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"The dog ate my homework" is also the classic excuse in America - although once our dog really DID eat my brother's homework. He brought in the mangled remains of the folder as proof; the teacher was quite amused.
Katie, Boston, MA, USA
Why does Conway only have to give back a small proportion of what he embezzled? Dosn't he still have the same good job with continuing pension rights that would be the envy of the majority of the people that elected him? Is he but the tip of the iceberg?
kunjani, Lowestoft, suffolk
no more excuses!
how about at least a bit of the truth?
believe me, it feels good ro do so.
ronald, toledo, usa
I dont blame Derek Conway at all for taking advantage of a system that seems to take care of its own,a system that seems to be class based and seems to pay scant regard for employment law,integrity or even ability.
This was in no way an individual error but an example of the Conservative system which obviously considers this the norm.
Someone should dig a liitle deeper ....................
Steve cartmell, Preston/London in that order, England
Yes. We often get worked up about yob culture but arrogant culture is the real problem - too many people are never able to admit they are wrong.
tony, rochester, UK
An English acquaintance recently learned about a UK government campaign to choose a national slogan that could appear in government offices, etc, as the official theme or brand of the country: like "Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite." Three of his five suggestions were "We can't be arsed" and "More than me job's worth, gov", and "The Can't-Do Society."
Andy, Anytown, USA,
The point is that one has to make an excuse to avoid adding disrespect to one's catalogue of failures. You'll be looked on badly if you can't even make the effort to fabricate a preposterous lie. "The dog ate my homework" won't rile a teacher anything like as much as "I couldn't be arsed to do it".
Tim, Lancaster,
When a whole industry exists to generate excuses for over-indulged and badly raised children (and the adults they turn into), it's hardly surprising that some of it leaks out into society at large. The excuse industry helps boost profits for the consultancy and pharmaceutical industries, and so it's unlikely to go away any time soon.
But the Oscar for most inventive excuses must go to an American girl who stood me up on several successive dates. The first time she was run over in a car park and sprained her wrist. The second, she went to a theme park in Sussex, fainted in the record heat wave, decided to stay overnight instead of coming back, and thunderstorms took out the mobile phone network so she couldn't tell me of the change of plan. The third time, her boss sent her to New York for a week at two hours notice. At this stage I was tempted to play along just to see what the next excuse would have been, but in the end I decided life was too short....
Ian Kemmish, Biggleswade, UK
That schoolchildren in other countries wouldn't have such as marvellous excuses as the British do is nothing but self-flattering. "The dog ate my homework" is a well-known phrase, at least here in Finland, and I'm sure we're not the only one. Otherwise the article was brilliant.
May Be, Hämeenlinna, Finland
I think we are all sick of the passive 'lessons have been learned/ mistakes have been made' rather than the active: 'I fouled up; I won't do it again' mode of speech. Surely it is reasonable for the paying and voting public to expect there to be an existing level of competence and expertise rather than have to teach these idiots how to do it!
I am a HGV driver, and I am fairly sure that if I caused a motorway pile up, I couldn't offhandedly say: 'sorry...an error of judgement; a mistake was made, but lessons have been learned' and simply get away with it.
It is high time we stopped making pathetic excuses and made ourselves and other people responsible for what happened.
Brian Douglas, Heysham, Lancs, UK
"The British have come to expect, and accept, excuses as part of the culture.." OH NO WE HAVEN'T! 'They' take no blinking notice of expressions of outrage so often, that many give up objecting in despair! THEN 'they' have the cheek to question the reason for public disdain, and apathy at the polls. UGH!
I feel a vomit coming on.....oh no, it was another politico appearing on BBC 24!
S. Barraclough, Huddersfield, W. Yorkshire
A matter you could have mentioned, is the casting in stone of all the excuses buried in the small print of insurance documentation, that invariably gives cause for the insurer to refuse payment by the use of said, usually, very flimsy 'excuse'.
Effectively I am saying that the excuse culture is not one way. It works downwards as well as upwards.
Morgan, Pontypool, Wales
Hmmm. I once was asked to go into work on a Sunday to finish a piece of work for my boss. When I called my boss and apologised, saying that unfortunately I had been to a party on the Saturday, and was hungover, he was not appreciative of my honesty in the slightest. I was fired.
sandra, tonbridge,
English is a language of evasion and this country is one living in a state of self-delusion. From trying to recreate the British Empire within the United Kingdom, to imagining the world takes any sort of lead from Europe's offshore island.
The delusion of masking economic failure and decline by abundant credit and consumerism; and of exhortations worthy of a Communist State to tell us how successful this school, this "community" or this government has been when all is a tissue of lies and those lying know they are
TomTom, Leeds, England
In modern society, the media holds a unique role and responsibility as the public watchdog. Government and major companies are now far too vast for members of the public or small organizations to monitor, it is up to the media to perform this function vital to the commonweal.
Just last week, the National Audit Office reported that "community punishment" orders were being willfully ignored not only by offenders, but by the Probation Service as well! A "spokesman" for the service lamely promised to do better."
"We have noted the contents of the report, have accepted all the recommendations, and actions are already under way to address all of these.â
But did anyone in the media ask *what* these actions were? No, it was silently accepted. Will the media follow up on the "actions"? Doubtful.
Perhaps the media must reassert its responsibility!
the media must then be the public watchdog and hold bureaucratic feet to the fire by monitoring these actions. If in fact there are any.
Bob Evans, Anaheim, California
absolutely agree - so much more power is gained by an individual who says " I screwed up".
But isn't there also an old saying "honesty is the best policy" - but maybe that isn't part of the kurikulum...........
mark, houston, Tx